I thought I didn’t have anything to write this year.
Usually for my birthday post I reflect on some recent lesson or struggle I’ve been going through. It’s not that I haven’t been learning things these days. It just feels like I haven’t been learning anything significantly monumental.
I’ve slowly realized that we don’t always have to be learning something significant. What makes life life is the combination of the amazing and the mundane, the horrifying and the simple, the extraordinary and the everyday.
I think sometimes we think we want every day to be amazing or legendary but I don’t think that’s what we really want because then nothing would be special. The novelty would wear off and those moments and days would just become normal.
So here’s to boring and routine. Here’s to day-to-day tasks that sometimes drive us crazy. Here’s to the days where things might be bad but not terrible.
Because life needs the commonplace just as much as the spectacular.
When you tell people you’re a writer, you get a lot of questions that are difficult to answer.
The basic one’s aren’t so bad: “What do you write?”; “What’s the genre?”; “How long have you been writing?”
The trouble comes when people ask you how you come up with ideas and what your process is and what do you hope to accomplish in the long run. These seem like straightforward questions but the process of writing–more specifically the process of discovering who you are as a writer–is difficult to explain.
Some days we plan. We write outlines and make notes in preparation for a scene. We think of all the details we need to include. We decide what we’re going to write and where it fits into our story.
Some days we research. We look at history, science, and culture. We decide how much we want the real world to influence our fictional spaces. We get lost in all the possibilities for fine detail and nuance.
But some times, we bleed. Ernest Hemingway said, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” Some days we open our laptops and in a moments that can only be described as transcendent, beautiful, and perfect, words flow from our hearts and souls through our fingertips and onto the page. We aren’t just creating–we’re discovering. It’s as though the words are there just waiting to be discovered and today, for whatever reason, our access to them is easy. There’s no thinking, there’s no deliberation. We just bleed.
And while these inspired days often feel few and far between, they are what drives writers. We crave those experiences that reminds us of this: “I am a writer. This is who I am and this is what I am meant to do.”
I’d like to think you are somewhere out there watching all of us post tributes, videos, and tell stories about how much you meant to us. You’re probably touched, moved, and–let’s be honest–laughing up a storm.
I’ve never met you. I can’t say that I know you.
But I kind of feel like I do. I’ve been reading your biographies and while I’m well aware that reading someone write about his or herself does not make one an expert about that person’s life, you’ve provided a window–however small–into your life. Your candor is refreshing; your stories are heartbreaking and hilarious. You’ve managed to capture that weird, sweet, beautiful thing we call life somehow sounding elegant and brash all at the same time.
I’m currently read The Princess Diarist. I don’t know where exactly you were in your life when you wrote your entries. I do know that you’ve captured the convoluted mind of someone dealing with a mental health disorder. It’s beautiful and disturbing and haunting and perfect.
Like I said, I never met you but your passing has left this odd emptiness in my heart. I was upset when I first heard of your death but like so many things with life you figure out how to box it up and move forward.
It wasn’t until more recently while watching your friends talk about you at the Star Wars Celebration in Orlando and staring at a piece of fan art I have as my wallpaper on my tablet that I realized what exactly I was missing.
There was no one like you and there will never be anyone else like you. No one can sit on couches at chat shows with Gary at their side and make us feel like you’re sitting in our living rooms. No one can make us laugh and cry all in the same moment the way you did.
No one else will ever be our Princess.
With Much Luv,
It seems there is more and more evil in the world. The recent tragedies in Sweden and Syria have broken my heart. As always, my heartbreak and I am confused.
The death of innocents. The destruction of homes. The sorrow of losses.
The blood of children. The tears of the fearful. The questions from all.
At times it feels like there is no way to avoid evil. You begin to despair that terror will become all consuming. Good news and happy stories are few and far between. Images of the dead and suffering bring you to tears as you wrestle with your beliefs in your heart.
But please remember this: “Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.”*
Yes, there is terror. Yes, there is despondency but there is also hope.
Hope in the way we receive those around us. Hope in the love and prayers we send to those affected by terrible acts. Hope that there are people fighting for good even if it feels like the good is a tiny spark in the middle of a forest fire.
So though I am sorrowful, though I will weep for the dead and those suffering, I choose to hope.
I choose to believe love always wins.
*Spoken by President Snow in the film The Hunger Games.
The Dip Between Hills and Peaks
Soft swift sunset sweeps across dry grass
And tiny gaps between tight-lined almond
Black bellied starlings perch on stringed
Power lines with weathered wings waiting to
Black outline of factory pipes and towers
In front of vibrant oranges and pinks and
A soft divide between end of daylight
And dawn of night time plays in shifting
Day tomorrow may bring blistered heat
Or shifting breeze but this moment sings
Being an adult is hard.
I realize the above statement may make me sound like I’m a little late to the game. I’ve been a legal adult for the past five years (according to US legal standards).
But when I say being an adult is hard, I’m referring to the emotive turmoil surrounding identity and belonging not the seemingly endless list of responsibites to be completed.
I’m twenty-six. I don’t have an established career path or even the beginnings of one. I’m only working once a week and sometimes it feels like I have no friends.
And I’m single while friends and people younger than me are married and having children.
But I do know what I want to do and who I want to become. I am walking step by step toward my dreams. I have a general plan of how I’m going to get there and overall, I’m optimistic about my ability to carry out said plan.
So when I say being an adult is hard, I guess what I really mean is it’s hard work.
But I’m beginning to realize it is so worth it.
When the Moon First Saw the Sun
I wonder what the moon thought when she first saw the sun.
Was she jealous of her radiance or did she smile, stretch out a hand,
And say, “Hello, friend. Let’s walk a ways together.”
I wonder what the sun thought when she first saw the moon.
Was she drawn to her pale mystique or unimpressed?
And did she say, “Yes, dear. A walk would be so nice.”?
I wonder if today they think back with fondness and love.
Was it love at first sight or did they take some time
And space to understand who they were?
I think perhaps we’ll never know
But I’d like to think it was magical.