Early to Bed, Early to Rise

You know that old saying that is supposedly really deep and insightful: “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise”?
Well, it may be true but let’s face it, waking up before you’re alarm clock is REALLY annoying.  You feel as though you’re going to get every last minute of sleep that you can.  And then, without even having the consideration to ask you, your brain decides it wants to wake up early to have time to think and process and do whatever the hell it needs to do before the brain gets busy.
My brain is terribly inconsiderate lately.  It has decided to make all its decisions without a thought for my feelings or emotions.  My brain hurts and is tired on a whim; it speeds up or slows down at its own pace; and worst of all, it makes these decisions independently.  Never mind that it’s my brain.  It feels like it is self-sufficient enough to just circumvent the whole “thought process” procedure.
Now, for those of you who suffer from chronic sleep depravation (and I mean not by choice.  All college students are mildly sleep deprived because we have so much we have to get done), you know exactly what I mean.  You spend the entire day working your butt off doing homework, errands, chores, and trying to have a social life.  One of my professors once pointed out to me that college is the only time in one’s life where the world expects you to be good at everything.
Ha!!  I laugh in the face of this preposterous claim because we can barely keep up with our homework much less learn how to pay bills, manage our own money, and fuel our cars.  We have somehow managed the art of being a student but the whole growing up thing is a curve ball.  Who in the hell decided that once you turn 21 you are a “legal” adult?  Psychological research is pointing more and more to the idea that adolescents may extend into the early 20s.  I would like to believe that I am more of an adult than I am a kid because I am of “legal” age for everything.
But let’s be real…at the heart of it we don’t want to grow up and we all want to go to Narnia or Never-Never Land.  I choose Narnia…but that is only because I can’t stand the “I do believe in fairies!” line in Peter Pan….
In any case, if we were supposed to remain young forever, God would have made us that way.  As it is, Adam and Eve were created as full grown, sexy, naked human beings.  
Sighs….Oh well.  I guess everyone my age is just going to have an epiphany at some point.  We are growing up and there’s nothing we can do about it :-P.  And even though we’d rather remain kids forever, it is probably better to grow up well and remain a child at heart.
That’s what I think anyway.  But seeing as how I’m only studying psychology and am not an expert yet, I suppose you can disagree with me….

The Way Home

The thin veil of dense mist filled the canyon.  The street lights created small, warm glows in the midst of a dreary landscape.
It is so very cold outside.
The cold cuts to the bone and steals the breath from your chest.  No matter how many layers you wear, the cold still finds somewhere to penetrate through, creeping in like an unwanted guest.
But the fog is beautiful.
It is eerie and reminds one of Anne Radcliffe’s Gothic landscapes.  However, eerie does not always mean scary.
Eerie can simply mean atmospheric.
The atmosphere and mood created by the fog reminds me of life’s complexities.  Sometimes, we are walking blind.  
But we have hope and belief that these warm pockets of light will lead us home…

Once Upon an Age

Once, many years ago, the child felt whole.  Her laughter was full of joy and her smile mad the stars seem like tarnished diamonds.

Now, she is standing between the cave of loneliness and the current of life.  One foot is covered by the current of life’s flow.  The other foot is as far inside the cave as it can be without causing her to fall over.

The current is so very strong.
She feels absolutely powerless in the midst of the wave’s mighty force.

Should she stay in the safety of her cave?  Should she be bold and dive head first into the current?

She has no answer to these burning questions and the feelings that are inextricably paired with them.

She is only sure of one thing: “I do not want to fail,” she whispers.


Westley once said, “Life is pain”
And somedays, I think its true
But Westley did not
As I do believe
Say that pain has a purpose too.
Pain is annoying and tiring too
Its vengeance is swift and
Precise.  But my Savior knows
That pain is a price
That is worthy to pay a price.
Pain will soon fade and grace
Will endure.  So one thing i choose
To believe, is my life is a
Story of reason and grace
That explains why His grace is
Life is full of pain, sorrow, and ups and downs.  There is no use denying it–and there’s often nothing we can do about it.  Unfortunately, people use the excuse of pain in their lives to justify all sorts of stupid and inconsiderate crimes and actions.
I have suffered from chronic tension and migraines for almost ten years.  Having just completed a round of CT scan, MRI, and lumbar puncture (LP) procedures, I am quite frankly fed up with my headaches.  My brain has taken to not consulting me on important issues.
I am not a fan.
However, I continue to live my life.  Yes, sometimes, I do not get as much done as I would like because I am unable to look at a computer screen without my eyes feeling like they will explode in my head.  But I know that for whatever reason, the God I believe in is allowing me to experience this pain.
Now, for those of you who don’t believe in God, this concept is a little bit perplexing.  I believe in the God of the Bible and most people’s arguments again Yahweh is this: “How can a good God allow bad things to happen?”
Well, I have had my times of yelling, screaming, crying, and kicking God (metaphorically of course…although my foot sometimes makes contact with couches and bathtubs.).  And I have come to realize this truth:
being angry does not change your situation.  It merely affects how you look at your problems.
Now, imagine your favorite action movie without the pain.  First of all, all the action wouldn’t really be so exciting because it hurts when people get punched in the face, shot at, or exploded.  Second, it would be really boring to watch.  Yes, being hurt tends to be a bad thing but one must admit that it makes for a very entertaining show.
And lastly, you know your favorite is good and realistic because it resonates in your soul.  Perhaps you don’t relate to exactly what the protagonist or antagonist experiences.  But the human experience is diverse as the number of sand specks on a beach.
I don’t think it is fair to ask about an “unfair” God.  I believe in a broken system–sometime in the past, our world was perfect.  Everything worked the way it was supposed to.  And then, man and woman each decided they wanted to be selfish.  They said, “Me…..me…..ME!!!!”
Now, we live in a world full of physical, mental, and emotional pain.  Anyone who has a relative who suffers from a disease, chronic illness, or mental health disorders should agree with me on this statement.
Life is shitty sometimes.
But the thing to remember isn’t the shit.  The thing to remember is that I have a choice.  I can wallow in my shithole and complain and complain and whine, whine, whine.  Or, I can pick up a shovel, start digging around me, and try to get myself out of this mess called life.
Chances are I was the one who ended myself up in the pile of crap anyway.
Choice, in my opinion, is the last incorruptible power in the universe.  Yes, people do corrupt the power of choice.  However, you always have the ability to choose.

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