I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

I’m twenty-four years old and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

I don’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing everyday. I go to work. I go to church. I see my friends. I Skype with friends who live elsewhere. I watch movies and tv. I read. I spend time with my family.

What I mean is I don’t know what I’m doing with my future. I know what I want to be. I have a dream of where and who I want to be one day but I’ve absolutely no idea how to get there.

And I’m just wondering, why isn’t this okay? Why is it not alright to have doubts and uncertainties?

We live in a world where being decisive and having the right answers is highly regarded. But the more I look at things, the more I think we are a planet of people who excel at being indecisive. Communities can’t decide who they want to lead them. Politicians can’t decide how to effectively govern. Individuals can’t decide whether they want to be with this person or live in this city or take these drugs or wear these clothes or eat this food or follow this trend.

We try really hard to make it look like we know what we’re doing. But at the end of the day, we find ourselves in some cliche position–sitting in a chair holding a Scotch, laying on our bed looking at the ceiling–wondering exactly what our lives are about. Have I made the right decisions? Am I where I want to be?

I am not saying we should throw in the towel and think, “That’s it! Can’t figure it out! Time to stop trying.”

But I think it is really important to accept that the “what the hell am I doing with my life?” phase is not a bad thing. We need to be comfortable saying, “I haven’t got it figured out” or “I don’t know what the next step is”.

We should not fear sitting in the unfamiliar forest of doubt and fear. We should listen to the wind moving through the trees and the strange sounds of unseen animals. We should embrace the solitude of incertitude.

Because maybe in doing so, we will become unafraid of the “I don’t knows”. We will move out of the cover of the trees and continue on toward our dreams.

Rainbow to Rain Clouds

Bright colors shine as the light filters through the crystal teardrops and dance across the grey canvas of the sky. They balance each other–two delicate elements–to make the perfect partners in this precise dance.

As rain waxes and wanes and the setting sun lowers its rays like a watchman trimming the wick of a lantern, the rainbow’s colors fade to pale pastels like the skirts of a maiden’s spring dress. She moves like light flickering across water as the wind moves graceful as the lithe body of the one who dances through it.

Finally, the pairing ends. Too much of the sun or rain–who can tell? But this dream-like performance is at an end as the two dancers make their way off the stage and walk along separate aisles.

These two wayward walkers will meet again but none can know the when or how or why.

And the dance they danced before will never be seen again.