Making and keeping friends as an adult is very different than when we were children.

Childhood friendships were simpler. “You like chocolate chip ice cream? Me too! Let’s go play on the slide.” “I never liked her. Come on. You’re with me now.” The beauty of making friends when we are young is that we still believed in the goodness of people and the world.

But slowly, we began to understand that not everyone had our best interests at heart. Maybe it’s the bully who never stopped pulling your hair or the group of girls who gave you nasty looks but somewhere along the way, the simple became complex and messy.

But through the turmoil of growing up, we found our people. The one’s who didn’t care that our clothes were weird or ignored that one annoying habit that drove most people crazy. We settled into the routines of going to class or youth group together. We did homework, went to birthday parties, and celebrated Halloween and Thanksgiving with these people. We began to think of them as extensions of our family.

By the time we reached the official ages of adulthood (eighteen and twenty-one in the United States), one of two things happened: we clung tightly to the friends we have always had or we moved out to find other friends. Whether by choice or by the movements of life, the circles we were so sure would be knit together forever became fluid.

It’s at this juncture I should point out, my growing up experience were not quite like what I’ve described. I am what’s called a third culture kid. There are a lot of ways to look at this but the gist of it is, I’ve grown up in many places. I’ve gained and lost more friends than some people have in a lifetime. Home, family, and friendship to me mean something different than most people who have lived in one place their whole life.

To me, friendship is about loyalty, trust, and the willingness to work at a friendship no matter the distance.

But something I’ve learned as an adult–something I believe we must all learn as adults–is that we have much less control over our lives than we think. Sometimes friendships come and go not because someone hurt you or because you did something wrong but because of time. The hands of time continue to move whether we want them to or not and with the fluidity of change and seasons, we move apart from people we were once sure would be with us always.

And I’m starting to realize, this is okay. It’s sad, yes, that friendships change and that we can’t keep in contact with everyone. But life and community are not defined by everything staying the same. It’s about understanding that life is an ever changing symphony, that moves and flows in unexpected but beautiful ways.

So there are tears I will cry for friendships lost and gained, relationships that bring about traumatic memories, and the loss of loved ones departed too soon.

But I will also cry tears of laughter when I remember nights of joy, hilarity, and good conversation. I will smile as I remember moments with perfect clarity, as if they happened only minutes ago, and remember that each and every encounter is precious, unique, and worth it.

To all the people in my life–both present and past–who have helped me understand what it means to be a good person, friend, Christ follower, daughter, and sister, I thank you. I thank you and I pray that in some small way, I have helped you become who you are.

________________________

*Title from a J.R.R. Tolkien quote in the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. The full quote reads as follows: “Well, here at last, dear friends, on the shores of the Sea comes the end of our fellowship in Middle-earth. Go in peace! I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”